I "heart" my local nesties

Check out this post (I am nickoletta100). Very reassuring!!! I love those girls. I had asked Fenella because she is the one that recommended my acupuncturist and one of the few girls (or only?) to do IVF on our local board. Still no symptoms but not going crazy. :)

How does God fit into all of this?

Today there was a post on the TTTC board:

Questioning Faith/God Your take (click on this to see the whole post and other responses)

I don't really know what my question is here. But I see posts from time to time and hear IRL people questioning the reasons for not being able to conceive.
People that aren't ready for children get knocked up all the time. But why is it so hard for other's to get such a gift?
IMO God isn't purposefully withholding a child from us. I am a strong believer in "things are meant to be/ what doesn't kill us makes us stronger" kind of thing. But how do the "oops" babies that have extremely difficult lives fit into this?

So here was my response:

I believe that God made mankind with free will. That free will has taken mankind to many places, good and bad. We have been able to develop many things including hormones in beef, pesticides, pollution etc. I think all of these things and others are leading to declining fertility. I do NOT in any way believe God withholds a baby from us. I think God just lets nature take its course and helps give us strength to deal with the tough times.

I am reminded of the times my friend J and I would go to the mall or something with a huge parking lot. She would pause and say a quick prayer that God would help us find a parking spot. I never understood this. I do not think God really cares if we find a good parking spot. (I definitely don't think God wanted Amber to win BB8, even though she says God specifically told her she would win.) If I were going to ask God about a parking spot I think it would be more like "Thank you God for giving me strong healthy legs that can walk to the mall even if we find a crappy spot."

And that is how I feel about this (98% of the time when I am rational, 2% of the time I actually curse God and blame Him, I really hope He doesn't hold this against me some day!) I do pray for the embies to thrive and become children (although I think He doesn't care about parking spots, these are living things and I know He cares about that.) I also in the same breath pray for strength if this doesn't work. I do not think God gave us infertility so that we will adopt someday, I think making me want to adopt is part of how God has given me strength to go through this infertility hell.

I know this got a bit rambly and I hope i got my point across. I read other blogs where people talk about God all the time and since I don't I thought I would clarify my beliefs a bit. So next week if I start cursing God on Thursday, please shoot me a little reminder of what I wrote today in a sane moment. I would also love to hear your thoughts, as always, please feel free to comment!

PS, I got several comments about my description of the IVF transfer, so glad you liked that! I realized I had never read any description before so I thought it would be good to remember. If you are going through IVF, I hope your transfer goes as smoothly as mine did!

Enjoy your 3 day weekend!!! We are off to Lake Arrowhead for a nice relaxing, just the two of us weekend! Back on Tuesday and then the real countdown begins!

Infertile hope

I think I speak for alot of infertiles when I say HOPE is a 4 letter word. I am not just stating the obvious but I mean 4 letter word in the sense of:
DAMN HOPE!! Where the F%$K did you come from? S*%T, what am I supposed to do with you now?

Yesterday I had very mild cramping the entire day. I did not have it before yesterday, I did not have it today. I cannot chalk it up to side effects of the progesterone. I have 3 possibilities, random s/e of progesterone, gas or implantation. I did not release any gas unless it disappeared overnight (to Jamie's benefit) then my mind wanders to the possibility of implantation cramps which, as I understand it happens around 6-8 dpo. Yesterday was 7 dpo. So now what?

HOPE.

I remember 18 months ago Jamie agreeing to let me throw out the the BCPs and try to make a baby. I wrote this post at the very beginning of this blog and said "I don't plan on showing anyone until after we announce we are pregnant, be that 6 months from now or (God forbid) 2 years from now." I really thought I would be pregnant in a few months but a nagging voice told me it would probably take longer. I really hate being right all the time!! (Jamie hates it too)

I had so much hope back then but it was different. It was the innocent hope. The hope that doesn't know how to chart, analyze CM, and is very uncomfortable with a doctor between her legs. I am not sure when exactly that innocent hope turned into infertile hope. It was probably a gradual change but it is clearly different now.

Infertile hope is:

• Having cramps all day at 4dp3dt (4 days past 3 day transfer also known as 7dpo) and desperately searching for what else they could be so you don't think about implantation
• Knowing half the world will know when you get a positive pregnancy test but planning on telling them to NOT congratulate you until after you see a heartbeat.
• Asking your DH if he actually thinks of the 3 embryos inside of you as a pregnancy or a possibility and his response being, let's just enjoy knowing there are 3 in there right now (or something to that effect)
• Talking to your embryos inside and begging them to hang on but not quite believing they will.
• Already planning on taking next Thursday off work if you get a negative test.
  
• Booking a work trip knowing you might not be able to go because it will fall right in the middle of IVF#2.
• Talking about Thanksgiving weekend plans and thinking you might not be able to go because it might fall right in the middle of IVF#2.
  
• Reading this post at Serenity Now! knowing that it never ends until a real live baby is in your arms.
• Thinking about the fact that if God blesses you and this does work you might have to do it all again to create a brother or sister.

There are so many more.... way too many more...

The 3 Twiglets..

So here are our potential baby Twiglets. Starting from the top left is our perfect 8 cell. I think she will be a girl and take after her mommy. See how tidy she is? Right next to her is her slightly messy brother who is also an 8 cell. He will take after his daddy. On the top right is the 5 cell, thinking he might be a boy too since he is also a little messy. Both boys were graded a B I think.

The bottom 2 were our 4 cells. They were kept in the incubator over the weekend to see if they would keep growing and could be frozen; however, they did not end up making it past 4 cells. So all of our hopes are pinned on the 3 we've got growing!

The actual transfer was pretty easy and very cool. I thought it would be just like an IUI but it was a bit different. If you don't want details, stop reading now.

My acupuncturist got there about 7:30 am and the nurse took us to my room. She then did about a half hour treatment. I normally fall asleep but I was way too excited. I was getting a bit nervous beforehand though and the acupuncture definitely calmed that. She then took out all the needles except the ones in my scalp and ears, those stayed the whole time.

Around 8:15 my doctor, Jamie and a nurse came in. My doctor let me know that she likes to see 6-8 cell embryos on transfer day and that we were very fortunate to have 2 8 cells! YAY us! She then told us about the 5 cell and asked if we wanted to transfer that too. I asked what she would recommend and she said to do it. My chances of a triplet pregnancy would be about 5% but we agreed that was a chance we were willing to take if it upped our overall chances of getting pregnant. So she started getting everything ready and fully explained what would happen. With an IUI they basically just put the catheter with the sperm into your uterus and that's it. The IVF transfer was different in several ways.

She first inserted a wider catheter and then used the dildocam to have a view of the uterus. When she was all ready the nurse got the embryologist (making the total number of people in the room 6!!) The embryos were in a thinner catheter that went into the bigger one and further into the uterus. We were able to watch all this on the monitor! We then saw a tiny flash of light which was the fluid holding the embryos being injected into their new home. I can't describe how amazing that was to see! The embryologist then took the smaller catheter back to the lab to check and make sure they were all out, which they were, and we were done. My acupuncturist then put in some more needles and they all left me for another 30 minutes.

All in all, it was very easy and just so darn stinkin cool!!!

Bed rest is hard!!

This is not a complaint!! I would happily be on bed rest for 9 months if it meant I could get pregnant and deliver a healthy baby. This is a statment of fact. When you don't feel sick it is hard to lay all day and let people get stuff for you. I am soooooo lucky to have people willing to get me stuff though. You do start to feel a little guilty :) I have been laying so much that sometimes I get dizzy when I stand up! I guess that means I am an obedient patient :)

Jamie took great care of me both Saturday and Sunday. He didn't even go out mountain biking like he planned and stayed around with me watching Little House on the Prairie (I can hear you all laughing now... at the LHOTP not Jamie) Those were the days I got the dizziest. I really was laying flat almost 90% of the time. If I sat up too long Jamie would yell at me to lay down. My grandma and grandpa stopped by too and it was great to see grandpa up and around since hsi pacemaker surgery was just on Monday. No bed rest for him!

Yesterday a very good friend of mine (she actually married Jamie and me!) She drove down on Sunday night and stayed til dinnertime last night. Her drive is about 3 hours so this was really nice of her to do. She watched some LHOTP with me too and fetched my drinks and lunch and kept me company. It was so wonderful.

Little side note, she is a pastor and was telling me how helpful this blog is for her to read. She said she has parishioners that are dealing with IF and she doesn't know how to relate. Reading my blog helps. She has even recommended it to another pastor friend. This is pretty cool. Ithelps me believe that IF is not the worst thing that has ever happened to me if I can make some good out of it.

Yesterday afternoon my friend S came over with Ella and I got some good baby vibes. I even got Ella to smile and I swear she giggled!!! That is the first real smile I have seen from her! Later my mom and my cousin also stopped by. It was a full house but wonderful to see everyone. I passed around the pic of the embies (I'll post it tomorrow when I get back to work and have access to a scanner.) and let people guess which 3. They usually guessed pretty close to right.

Later after Ella and S left another friend came by with her 3 year old son. He always brings a smile to my face. He walked right in the door with a beautiful bouquet of flowers and said they were for me. He's so sweet!

So today and I all visitored out. I will watch LHOTP all by myself :( Just kidding, it will be alright and no one to yell at me to lay down!!

Thanks again for all your kind wishes and support. If support could get you pregnant, we would be having a dozen!!

YAY! Embryo Transfer done!

So of the 9 eggs retrieved, 5 fertilized. As of today there were 2 8 cell embryos and one of them was perfect! There was 1 5 cell and 2 4 cells. We went ahead and transfered the 2 8 cells and the 5 cell. So as of this very moment we are pregnant with triplets!!! Just hoping that we are still pregnant with at least one 9 months from now. :)

I'll write up more details of how it went later. I'm gonna go put my feet up now.

Fertilize Me has nominated me for the
That is so sweet! She says that my blog is a "sweet, informative blog and is very insightful and considerate" Ahhh, I have the warm fuzzies!!!! I am supposed to nominate 5 more people but that is just too darn hard. At this point I am reading at least 40 blogs on a daily basis and every one of them is a Rockin' girl (and one Rockin' guy!) So if you are reading this and your blog shows up on the right hand side... over there -------> then you are nominated! YOU ROCK!!!

I go in for the ET tomorrow. Please dear God, let at least 1 or 2 of my little embies be strong and ready to travel. I have a plush pad waiting! It's strange knowing the 5 potential babies of ours are sitting in a petrie dish right now, very surreal.

Not sure how much I will blog over the next few days, I'll be on bedrest through Tuesday but I will definitely at least post tomorrow to let you know how many were put in (hopefully 2) and what quality they were.

Enjoy your weekend!!!

Fert report is in!!!

YAY! 5 little egglets partied like rockstars and got themselves fertilized! This is great, I really hoped for 5, it seems like half is normal and this is the high side of half of 9. Now we just wait until Saturday morning to see if at least 2 of them grew... oh please grow!!! At least Saturday is only 2 days away. Just think, 2 weeks from today I WILL be getting the results from my beta and they WILL be positive dammit!!!

So the big smile on my face is from the knowledge that Jamie and I have created a life (well 5 of them) As far as I know we have never done that before. This is so exciting! Is it really too much to ask for one of those little twiglets to become a real live baby?

Back from the Egg Retreival!!!

All went well, I was fine until I went into the room. Then I got nervous! The anesthesiologist gave me some "margarita" and I felt better pretty quickly. After the doctor came in and they were all ready they told me to picture a beach and that was it, I was out, no counting!

They said I was only under for 10 minutes and they got 9 eggs. I came out of it all pretty quickly and DH was even able to stay until I was ready to leave. He then went straight to work and I came home. He was so sweet and kept tucking the covers around me and watching the monitor. It was real nice to have him there.

So my mom is out getting me a burrito, I am starving!!! I assume I will be ready for a nap after I eat.

Glad that is over! Can't wait for the fert report tomorrow!

WOW, thanks for all the support!

There were tons of comments on yesterdays post wishing me luck with the ER tomorrow. (I even had 83 hits to my blog, wow!) Thank you, thank you, thank you. It means so much to have people I have never met be so kind. It also makes me sad that I most likely will never meet most of you. :(

I talked to my acupuncturist yesterday and she had me go in last night for a treatment. She did needles in my lower back, that was new. Never had needles in my back before. I found it to be ok, it was not relaxing in the same way I am used to but who cares, as long as it helps get me knocked up! She also confirmed she will be able to go to my transfer. She will be doing a half hour session before and half hour after. YAY!

So I am really looking forward to tomorrow, excited like crazy. Jamie will be going on his own a bit earlier to make his contribution. My mom and I will get there about 8am. My nurse is then going to show Jamie how to give me the PIO shot and then he will be leaving to go to work :( My mom is going to be my "responsible adult" (not kidding, I had to sign a form that said a responsible adult had to drive me and stay with me for 8 hours, hence why my mom is doing it and not Jamie, haha! Just kidding!)

I then expect to be at home eating bonbons the rest of the day.

Bonus, here is a picture of what made me smile this weekend. Jamie and me with my friend S's baby Ella. (Please note the beautiful bracelet on my right arm that I always wear! Thanks Gretchen!)

YAYAYAYAYAYYAYAYAY!!!! Doing the happy dance!!!

I went in for my appointment this morning and my RE said it looked like there would be 8 mature eggs. My lining was up to 9.7 which is fantastic. She just wanted to wait for my Estradiol levels but was pretty sure we would do the ER on Wednesday. Well my nurse just called and my levels were fantastic!!!! So I am all set, I will be doing the HCG shot tonight at 9:45 and do the ER Wednesday morning at 8:45. I am so excited I could scream!!! My heart skipped a beat when the nurse called and said "I have good news for you!" You could hear her smile!

Please make this work, please make this work!!!!

YAY, follies are working!

and they are working hard! THey have done a lot of growing in the past 2 days. Here is what we have now: 2- 17's, 3- 16's, 3-15's, 1- 13 and 2- 10's. So wel should have at least 9 eggs. My lining was up to 7 which is good (not fantastic but good). I am to take my meds tomorrow and then go back on Monday for another u/s. I am to bring Monday's drugs with me and they will decide then if they want me to take them. The doctor said he expects me to do the ER Weds or Thurs. That would work out great because then the ET would be Sat or Sun and then my acupuncturist can come. She can't on Monday because she also works as a midwife and has patients to see on Monday :(

So I am feeling very good about the appointment and am really hoping for a Thursday ER! Have a great weekend!

And here it is...

The absolute best description of how IVF works. If you know nothing and want to learn or if you think you know it all, you will get something out of this.

How IVF works part 1

How IVF works Part 2

much better, thank you

OK, I knew a few hours would make the difference. I no longer have an overwhelming urge to cry or vomit. (Thanks grandma for the email, I keep re-reading it and feeling the hug.)

I am even starting to get very, very, very mild cramps. For some odd reason this is comforting. Makes me think the follies are growing.

Today is a tough one.

I am on edge. I can't really explain it but if you know me I would suggest staying away today. I am liable to blow any minute. I have this alternating feeling of wanting to vomit and wanting to cry but I am neither nauseous or sad. It's very odd. I am just super edgy. It must be the drugs but I don't see how they can possibly be affecting my mood when THEY AREN'T DOING THE JOB THEY ARE SUPPOSED TO BE DOING!!!! They are only allowed to have side effects when they are performing the main effects.

On a side note, I took these pictures this morning..



That is what $400 worth of drugs looks like. This is what I am injecting into myself each day now. One of the vials contains wateer. I suck up 1 cc(?) and then inject it into a vial of powder Bravelle or Menopur, swirl it around to dissolve it and then suck it back out. I repeat this process with the 6 vials of Bravelle and the 2 vials of Menopur until I end up with this.....



One syringe of drugs that equals $400. It makes me so sad to think of how many people out there do not have insurance and have to pay that out of pocket. We are so lucky.

Yesterday before Jamie injected me, he looked me in the eyes and said "Thank you so much for doing this." I said "Thanks for letting me do this." We are a great team.

About an hour later I suck up a tiny bit of Lupron and inject that myself. It's such a small amount of fluid that it is really easy to do. So that is what my 2 injections a day consist of.

I wonder why I am on edge.... Oh well, like it always does, I can count on this mood to dissipate, just please leave me alone for the next hour or so... for your own good.

I will sit here and think about the joy I felt when Sabra won SYTYCD and when Dustin got kicked out of BB8. If you know what that sentence meant, well God bless you for being a reality junkie with me.

Grow follies, grow.

Bad Estradiol, bad!!! Shame on you!

310... argh! So they are increasing my Bravelle to 6 vials. ugh. I asked her if this was really bad and she said no but if I take too long to respond that will be bad. Saturday's appt will tell us alot. Please follies start growing!!!!

Slow is good, right?

Had my u/s today, 7 days of stims. Still had 4 follies on the right with one pulling ahead of the pack (it's keeping up with the lefties) and still 7 on the left. All are growing ok but a bit slow. Good news is my lining was up to 5 so that is much better. They took blood again so hopefully my estradiol will come back higher than 500. Dr said she might increase my does of Bravelle again but wants to wait to see Estradiol # first. My ER is probably getting pushed to next Thursday or Friday which is good. I have a work meeting on Tuesday that I didn't want to miss (would if I had to though!) Also my grandpa is scheduled to get a pacemaker on Monday and I like the idea of being able to visit with him and not be passed out from drugs.

So all in all this is ok news, not great and not bad. Just ok.

Dr did tell me about a girl having 66 eggs retrieved the other day at one of their other clinics. 66!!! OMG!!! 35 fertilized. WHT is she going to do with 35 embryos?? I can't begin to imagine how much pain she must be in. Ugh, I'll take my 11, thank you very much!

Bad Estradiol, bad!!! Shame on you!

So they never called yesterday which I was not surprised at since my nurse had the day off. She called me this morning and apologized profusely for them not calling. (I love her!) My Estradiol was only 103 which is too low so they are increasing my Bravelle and Menopur by one vial each. Luckily they get all mixed up so it's still just one shot; however, I already did today's (well Jamie gave it to me) so she said to take the extra amount when I get home, so I will have to do that myself and Jamie gets home too late. BOO!

This is not a big deal though, my numbers will go up and they are catching it early. I still have my appt set for tomorrow so hopefully everything looks good. My hot flashes are definitely dying off so that must mean my estrogen is going up.

In tragic sad non T-TTC news, our TIVO died yesterday. I almost cried. Jamie gave the ok and I will be buying a new one tonight. I was very worried about not having a TIVO during my bedrest! That would be awful!!!!! All is well now and we will be getting an even better one! 80 hours of TV recording pleasure! YAY!!!

Update on Todays Appt

So my 7 lefties and my 4 righties are lookin good. 2 of the righties are a little smaller than the rest but still in the game. We are happy that no one is playing follow the leader and running out ahead of the rest. Dr was concerned about my lining thickness, it appeared a bit thin to her. She asked when my period ended and yesterday was my first day with no spotting so that made her feel a little better. They took my blood again and will check the estradiol level. Hoping for it to be between 200 and 500. If it is lower then they might increase my meds. I am expecting a call this afternoon with the results. Regardless she changed my Friday appt to Thursday and is hoping my lining will catch up by then, which it might knowing I stopped my period only yesterday.

On another note... jealousy reared her very ugly head this morning. I really don't like her and wish I could banish her to Pluto. There are 2 main chat boards I read and keep up on. The T-TTC board and my Local LA Nesties board. There are BFP's on a somewhat regular basis on the T-TTC board and I get tiny little stabs of jealousy but not verge of tears jealousy. My Local board is different. These are girls here in LA that I could meet someday or have already met. I feel like some of them are friends even though I haven't met them in RL. On this board I post a list every Monday and Thursday of girls TTC (not just having trouble but anyone just trying.) I have been posting for about 6 months now and have had 2 or 3 1st timers get pg on their first month. Those sting but I blow them off pretty quickly. We have had a few people get pg after 3-6 months of trying and I am happy for them but don't really get jealous. Then there are the people that are part of my club. The club that no one wants to belong to, the T-TTC club. Back in April one got pg on her 2nd IVF and I actually cried with happiness, she is the one that referred me to my wonderful acupuncturist. Another one that I have met and now have a true friendship with got pg after a miscarriage and is now 23 weeks along. Again pure happiness for her.

Well today was the third. The other 2 were back in April, I was just doing IUI's and figured I would be next. Here I am doing my first IVF and I truly don't know that I will be next. So seeing her post this morning broke my heart. PLEASE DON'T MISUNDERSTAND, S, IF YOU ARE READING THIS!!! I am so very happy for you!!! I really am!!! I am just so damn jealous I could cry. My eyes welled up when I read the post. I wanted to throw something. I wanted to cry. I wanted to hide. INFERTILITY SUCKS! I hate that it makes me so very jealous. But there still is a the real side of me, deep down that hasn't given up yet that can separate someone else's success and be happy for them. I just want to have my own success so badly. Please let me have my very own BFP in 3 weeks. OH PLEASE!!!

To buy or not To buy, that is the question

Tampons that is. This cycle worked out perfectly and I am out of Tampons. I am assuming my fellow Stirrup queens will understand this but you non-infertiles might not get it right away. Everytime I find myself standing in front of the feminine hygiene isle I get sad. Buying a box of tampons is very depressing, it tells the world, well at least the checkout person that you are not pregnant. (By the way the tampons are usually near the pregnancy tests, argh. At least they aren't next to the baby food and diapers.) So I just ran out on the last day of my last AF visit. So do I buy more in case the IVF fails? Do I be risky and not have any in case the IVF works and I don't need them for the next year? But you fertiles might be thinking, wtf? they don't expire, why not just buy them and leave them in the back of the cupboard if I get the magical 2 lines? Well it's not that easy. There is the act of taking them off the shelf, putting them in the shopping basket and having them stare at you while you finish the shopping, putting them on the check out belt and then unpacking them at home and putting them in the cupboard. Seems so simple but like many things in an infertiles life... just not easy.

On another note, my bruise count is up to 2. 2 pretty little purple marks on my tummy and lots of tiny little red dots. Maybe I'll take a picture for the baby album :)

Ready!!! Set!!!! Start stimming!!!

Woo-hoo!!!! Started stims today and I am on cloud nine! With my appointment going so well yesterday and I have a good day at work and it's Friday, well what more could I want?

Have a great weekend!!!

YAY!

Estridol came back at 33!!! YAY!!!! My body knows how to do something right with a little nudge from the drugs!

I had an u/s this morning and all checked out well. There were 7 antral follicles on the left and 4 on the right. My dr said she expects me to produce 9-13 mature follies! There were no cysts, so all is well. They also took my blood and will call me this afternoon with my estrodil (sp?) levels. We are hoping for a number lower than 60. That will mean my ovaries are nice and quiet. Shhhhhh... be quiet. Ovaries sleeping :) I also talked to her about possible donor eggs and she said she is "extremely confident" I will not need donor eggs and she expects me to get pregnant with IVF and my own eggs :) The nurse later said to me that she and the doctor were talking and they really think this is going to work. Well who am I to argue with all that optimism???

Well aside from the 24 hour mood, I think I have started getting cold flashes instead of hot flashes and I have had a headache for about 15 hours now. I can still deal with this so no biggie. I cut my Lupron in half tomorrow and start the Bravelle and Menopur. It's starting to get very exciting!!!!

My heart is broken..

I was just doing my daily blog reading and saw In and Out of Luck has lost her baby. Please go give her a hug.

One more note....

about my fantastic husband. He just informed me that he has booked us a cabin in Lake Arrowhead for Labor Day weekend. He knows that is the weekend before my BFP beta and so I will not want to do anything but relax and he is perfectly happy with that, he just wants to spend the weekend with ME! Am I the luckiest girl ever or what?

The 24 hour mood

On Monday night I started to feel a bit edgy. By the time Jamie got home I was just in a plain old bad mood. We were sitting there watching Hell's Kitchen on regular tv because I was TIVOing something else. This meant it couldn't be paused. Well I am quite a tv fanatic and hate when people talk during a tv show. Normally if Jamie starts talking I pause it and listen to him. If I don't pause it then I don't really listen to him which is very bad on my part. I just cannot multitask when it comes to someone talking during a tv show I am watching (it can even be a crap tv show! I'm dumb, I know.) So he spends the whole hour chatting. Commenting on the contestants, Gordon Ramsey and probably even the commercials. I only half listenend and kept a running dialog in my mind asking him to just please be quiet! Now I know this is my own craziness so I did keep my actual mouth shut... until the end. The previews for next week came on and Jamie thought that was his cue to really start talking about gawd knows what And I completely lost it. I said, shhhhh, please just be quiet! I want to see this. and he goes, it's only the preview who cares? So I said fine, I don't and turned off the tv and went to bed. I heard him turn the tv back on and then a couple minutes went by and he came in the bedroom to say goodnight. I apologized for being a bitch and he said no problem I have lots of drugs in me so it was ok. He gave me a kiss and went back out to the living room. I was out like a light.

Well yesterday you got a taste of my mood from my post. It lasted all day. I almost went home after lunch sick because I just couldn't stand sitting here. I wanted nothing more than to go to bed. I stuck it out until 4 and then went home and stayed in my crappy mood. Jamie called around 7:30 and asked how my day was, I told him I was in a funk and just not doing well overall. He said he was sorry and I told him I would be fine tomorrow and not to worry about it.

Around 8 I was on the couch and could barely keep my eyes open. I went ot bed and started reading just willing myself to stay awake til 9. Jamie got home about 8:45 and came in the room "What int he world are you doing in bed at 8:45?" I told him I could barely stay awake and to come kiss me goodnight I was going to sleep. He then showed me this beautiful bouquet of flowers!!! He said he was sorry I had a bad day and he loves me very much! Ahhhhh, I just have the best husband ever! My mood lifted and I closed my eyes and was sound asleep by 9. When I woke up this morning I was back to my normal upbeat self. I feel 100% again and I love it! That was the longest bad mood though and I hope that will remain a rare occurance!

Thanks!

for all the wonderful comments about my hair! I am happy with it and glad I decided to add the touch of blonde back. It's the little things that keep us reminded that there is still a person inside and not just a drug poppin machine trying to make a baby.

I had a very interesting conversation with a friend last night that I am very on the fence with writing in the blog about. I guess that is a bit of a downside to sharing your blog with RL people. I don't mind talking about it but I am not sure if this person would want me to share it with the world. Let's just say this friend made an incredible offer to me and Jamie last night. Not sure if we will need to take her up on it but we talked about it and we might. If we do decide to take her up on the offer then it will be blogged about and blogged alot.

This did bring up so many feelings inside of me though and kind of sent me into a tailspin last night. The offer was so genuine and sincere so I was overwhelmed with love and appreciation. I do not think I have ever had a gift touch me so deeply. This also brought up almost overwhelming sadness that this ever even needed to come up. I have written here several times about feeling screwed by the universe and I firmly believe that I have absolutely been screwed by the universe. I am sad that this conversation even had a reason to come up. (Sad is such a tiny little 3 letter word that can't even begin to describe it.)

I really started thinking about the IVF process and I don't think I have come to terms with it. I understand what is going to happen, I can describe it and I truly feel ok with it from a medical perspective. It is the next step and I look forward to it and I DO believe it will get me pregnant and give me a healthy baby someday but I also feel I have not come to grips with the emotional aspects. I think I am ignoring them and putting those feelings to the side. I don't know how I want to deal with them. I do think I want to just stay on this intellectual level about it and worry about the feelings later. Assuming I do get pregnant, the feelings won't matter (I naively type...) but if this cycle doesn't work, I still think I will be ok as I have faith that 1-2 IVF's will do the trick. I think I can keep the feelings in check until IVF#2.

But.... I am scared. I am terrified. If IVF #2 does not work, I do not know who the person will be that comes out the other side of that and that is something I am desperate to not find out.

To my real life people. Please don't talk to me about this. I do not want to deal with it myself so I definitely don't want to deal with it with others. Not now. For some reason I can continue to type though but if you bring it up I might not be able to type anymore.

Love to you all, sorry this was a downer
Diana

Welcome!

I have added 3 new bloggers to my blogrole (I needed to up my T-TTCers since I keep moving to many to pregnancyland!) They are all T-TTC so let's hope they get to move on as well.

Tarahville'z Thoughtz
Leesa's Hope
Baby Quest

Ooops!

Well I have learned a big lesson!!! If you are going to get new hair, you may not discuss it unless accompanied by a picture!!! So here I am with S's baby Ella (she turned 6 weeks yesterday! Isn't she the cutest?!?!?!) Sorry I have no makeup on but I have a strict rule about makeup on weekends, there must be a wedding or a funeral!



Last night S, her husband and baby Ella came over for dinner. We all had such a great time but now my arm is killing me!!! I carried Ella a bit but when I was blow drying my hair this morning it felt like it might fall off!

Today is a great day!!! I took my last BCP yesterday so tonight I don't have to take it. Ahhhhh.... what a great feeling!!! I will keep doing the Lupron (still no side effects thank you very much... knock on wood), the prenatal vitamins and the baby asprin. I now wait for AF which will not be a horrible day for once and then I go to the doctor on Friday for u/s and bloodwork. I will also start my Bravelle and Menopur on Friday. Woo-hoo! Let's get this show on the road! I want one of those things in the picture above or two... a version with a penis attached would be welcome as well... not being picky!

New hair :)

I went to my hairdresser last night. I needed my hair done as I was at that point where I would wash it and put it up. No desire to do anything with it. I have been going to K for over 10 years now and she is a fellow stirrup queen. In fact when I started to go to my RE I told her and found out we had the same doctor! So she has done a couple of IVF's and was successful last year in getting pg but lost it around 9 weeks. Well come to find out she got pregnant again in May but one of the embryos implanted in her 1 good tube. Long story short they had to remove the tube and she lost the baby in the uterus too due to all the meds. Can you believe she is on BCP's now, getting ready for another cycle. It never fails to amaze me. I think women (and men) going through IF are some of the toughest around. We get knocked down and find a way to get back up again. So she has an estimated ET of early Sept, right around when I will be getting my BFP.

So back to the hair. It looks beautiful and we even put a little bit of blonde back into it. I miss being blonde, back in my early TTC days I slowed down on the bleaching so that I could grow out the roots since you shouldn't bleach when pg. Little did I know then that would mean being a dirty-dishwater blonde for a year and counting. So we discussed and she lightened it just enough to make me feel pretty again but not so much that roots will be obvious. I am happy... with the hair that is.

So about that Lupron.... still no s/e's to report. Happy about that but I know they can still start anytime. The BCP s/e's well that is a different story. The depression sucks. I have also gained at least 3 pounds and that sucks because it adds to the depression because I swear all three pounds are just liquid good right around my belly button. This does help with the shots though as there is a lot to grab and poke at.

Only 3 more BCP's to take... YAY!

To my newer readers

I know I have a few new readers from my RL (real life) so you may have missed this when I posted it many months ago. It's a very cool interactive visual of how IUI's and IVF work. Very, very cool. Check it out!

MSN: Making Baby the High Tech Way

Talked to my boss...

On the chat boards there are always discussions around should you tell your boss. I have never really had to join in on these conversations because I work in an environment where I am rarely noticed. I have a corner cubicle and if no one sees me walk down the hallway then no one knows if I am here or not. Combine this with the kind of boss I have and I have it pretty lucky in regards to needing time for doctors appointments and such. My current boss and the one before him were both of the mind "do your job well and on time and I don't care how it gets done." This kind of attitude works very well for me and I always get my stuff done on time and of course it's done right. So if I show up at 10 one day due to a doctor appointment no one will bat an eye.

Well the upcoming time for IVF is a bit of a different story. I will be going to the doctor more often and will also be doing bloodwork which takes more time. So I might get in at 9:30 or I might get in at 10:30. Someone might notice this. Also there is the bedrest. With a days notice I will need a day off for the ER and then 3 days later I will need 3 days after the ET. Although there is a good chance my boss still wouldn't notice if I didn't even show up one day, he might catch on after 3 :)

So I was in a meeting with him this morning and when it was over I said "So I am going to tell you something as my boss but I don't want you to hold it against me. I will be going to several doctor appts this month and somewhere towards the middle I will need about a week off but I won't know when until the last minute." His response was " Well you know all I care about is that your work gets done so just leave me a voice mail or something and if it conflicts with a meeting or a deadline then work that out. Just take care of yourself and let me know if you need anything." Now I might have a complaint or two about my boss but the way he just handled that goes down in my book as a really awesome thing. No prying into what I was doing medically and he even offered help if I needed it. Thanks boss! When we do finally get knocked up and make an announcement, we will thank the doctors, family, support system and my boss.

May you all be so lucky that are reading this now!

Another twig is growing....

OK, she saw a heartbeat!!! YAY, go on over and give some congrats to In and out of luck. She is now officially all knocked up!

Day 2 of Lupron

and no hot flashes yet! :) I didn't really expect anything this early so I am a bit kidding but hey nice to have a good outlook.

Short and sweet today. Have I mentioned my opinion that nature and the universe suck? Yeah, they suck. Big time. Don't get me wrong, I'm in a pretty good mood today, just commenting on reality.