CD 6

Well nothing new. I am pleased that I don't feel like a water balloon yet. I know that is coming... So far no side effects, I think I am getting off lucky or I just have a selective memory. Was it the progesterone that turned me into a crazed bitch? Perhaps, but I seem to remember a bit of crazy with the Bravelle. Oh well, whatever it was, I am still hanging in there.

I don't know if you read Real Simple magazine or not but this month there is an article on 5 families overcoming IF. One did IVF, one adopted etc, etc. I read them and was very pleased to see a magazine give IF some pages. I had mentioned to Jamie that the article was in there and I was looking forward to reading it and I don't think I said anything else about it. Well yesterday, out of the blue
he says: "I read the article in your magazine and it kind of pissed me off"
me, very stunned that he read it: "Why did it piss you off?"
Jamie: "Well all of the families were in their late 30's, early 40's. Why couldn't they talk about a younger couple that is having trouble? Everyone thinks it only affects people who waited too long and that article helps that thought along. People should realize that younger people can have trouble too."
me: "Wow, I'm still in shock that you read the article. You have a good point."
Jamie: "Don't get me wrong, I am glad they did an article in the first place but it would be nice if they gave more examples"
me: "Yup, you are right."
I'm still stunned as I sit here typing this. I used to give him things to read and he put them off. Now he goes out of his way to read an article that I didn't give him? Who is this man?

IUI #3, CD 3, Cycle 14

YAY! No cysts!!!!! I was so nervous. The doctor had to tell me to go ahead and breathe when she saw there weren't any. I then got my first shot of Bravelle and made my appointment for the 2nd to check on the follies. I just feel it, this cycle is going to work! I don't have to argue with insurance because I got the drugs paid for last month (oh yeah, all caught up on insurance! What a wonderful feeling!!!) So I will do my drugs daily with a smile on my face. Hopefully there will be 3-4 nice big fat follies on Wednesday, trigger Friday and IUI next weekend! I go to my friend's baby shower on Sunday so if I do the IUI in the morning, I can get all that baby stuff in the air at the shower on me... ok that's stretching but! Third time is the charm! I have been doing the acupuncture for 2 months now, did herbs last month, it bright and sunny outside... no reason to not get pg this cycle! I am so excited!

Cycle 14

Ok, you know how I know my period is coming? Because it just started 5 minutes ago. No miracle rest cycle BFP for me... working up the excitement for fresh IUI+injectibles cycle..... wait for it.... wait for it....... ah screw it , maybe tomorrow.

How do I know my period is on it's way? Well I just ate a KitKat and it was goooood!

Thinking blogger award!

WOW, I got nominated for the thinking blogger award by Infertility Licks! Crazy because I read her blog every day so it is weird to see someone mention you in their blog. I have seen the thinking blogger award on 3 or 4 of the blogs I read and I like reading about the 5 they choose and why. In case you haven't heard of this yet, when you get tagged, you nominate 5 other blogs that make you think for any reason and write about why. As I was seeing this on other peoples blogs, it made me wonder who I would nominate so I already have some ideas. I of course think all of the blogs listed to the right that I read every single day are worth reading and make me think; however, I will accept the challenge and list 5 in particular here.

The first one is a no brainer for me. I suppose it used to be an infertility blog before I started reading it as she has twins from IVF, but I only started reading it on April 12th, the day her husband died of pancreatic cancer. Snickollet strikes me as an amazing woman, the kind you are fortunate to meet in real life. I only hope that if my life were to take such a devastating turn, that I could handle it with the kind of grace she has.

The second is Me? A mom? She was the first blog I started reading. I read it all through her pregnancy and now I read the posts about her beautiful 3 month old daughter Lila. This blog makes me think, simply because it gives me hope. As far as I know she did not have fertility issues so I look at it as the way a pregnancy and birth should be if all was fair in the world.

The third is They Grow in Your Heart This is a wonderful adoption blog. I started reading when an adoption fell apart for her last year. Recently she was able to adopt a beautiful little baby named Lily and it has been a wonderful ride to watch! I also read this blog for hope. Adoption is a very real possibility for us and I love to see a success story!

The fourth is My Perky Ovaries She is currently pregnant with triplets from IVF. Very interesting to read and makes you think about all the things you don't want to think about when dealing with infertility. Selective reduction, possible health issues, etc. She pretty much always maintains a positive spin on the whole thing and you can just see her glowing with joy as she writes about her 3 little ones.

Last but certainly not least is TTC with DH through IVF with AMA and a MF for a BFP She wins just because she has the longest name! Just kidding of course. Her posts are so very raw, sometimes painful to read and sometimes funny but always honest. There is no coverup here and I truly respect that.

Thank you to these 5 and all of the other 21 blogs (and growing!) I read on a daily basis. You all help me stay sane, whether I am reading about pregnancy, adoption or current infertility, you all give me hope and help me know I am not alone. Now go out and nominate your 5 blogs that make you think!

OMG - Finally after 2 years!

Unfortunately I am not announcing a BFP. Almost as shocking though! My brother had video his girlfriend took at our wedding and I have been bugging him for 2 years for it!!! I got home yesterday and there it was, sitting against our front door in a DHL package! I was so shocked! I ripped it open, plopped it in the DVD player and watched it. I only had about 20 minutes because I was meeting friends for dinner but I got to watch our vows, I actually started to cry. What an amazing thing to see, FINALLY!!!!! I didn't think about TTC for the whole 20 minutes!

Another nice thing was dinner. One is 31 weeks pg and the other is 7 weeks. I enjoyed listening to them talk and never got jealous. It was fun hearing about the pregnancies, especially since they are at completely different stages and thinking that maybe we will have dinner together again and there will be a baby there and I will be pg and joining in! It's very strange who you get jealous of. I can't explain why there isn't any jealousy with these girls but there is that EXTREME jealousy with the one at work (the one where I declined the shower invite.) If anyone knows, please explain this to me!

My boobs don't hurt

That's right, I figured out something to blog about. My boobs don't hurt. Why would I feel the need to blog about this? Well because I am on CD 26 which could be anywhere from 9-4 dpo. Past history shows that my boobs get "tender" around 7dpo. So what does this mean? I didn't ovulate at all? I am just a few days past dpo? I am pg and my boobs won't hurt until I am 6 weeks? ugh, this all sucks. I wish my boobs would hurt!

I got nothing for you today... hmmm, quite boring actually. Hopefully I'll start AF this week so that I can start writing about IUI #3!

My political take...

I will not post much about the shootings, I don't have a connection to them so it just wouldn't be fair to people who do. Of course it saddens me but it saddens all of us.

What I will post about is a story in the Times right next to the shootings. It appears banning late-term abortions has been upheld by the supreme court. I quote from CNN.com "The sharply divided 5-4 ruling could prove historic. It sends a possible signal of the court's willingness, under Chief Justice John Roberts, to someday revisit the basic right to abortion guaranteed in the 1973 Roe v. Wade case." CNN Story

This is a very happy day for me. I know that it is unhappy for about half of you and I respect that. I am not posting this to offend anyone, I am posting this because it is my blog and it touches me especially as I deal with infertility. It is so unfortunate that we are a country divided on such an important issue. I hope our division ends in respect for each others opinions.

1 hour and 50 minutes....

That is how long I was on the phone with my insurance company yesterday. Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky to have any IF insurance but geez! This is ridiculous! I have to call with every single claim I put through! Every time they deny and then I have to reexplain everything to them to get them to process, ugh! I think they do it on purpose so that you will get worn down and give up. Stupid insurance! At least I got 4 open issues resolved yesterday and I should have about $1500 coming my way.

Who are we???

I was also reading http://pleasedontletthisbe.blogspot.com/ and thought you all might be interested in seeing a pic of us as well. Since only 3 people in my non-internet life know about this blog, I figured the rest of you don't know who we are at all. This pic was taken this weekend. So now it is like you are family :)



So who are you? Feel free to leave a comment about how you found me, I'd love to check out your blog too!

Selfish, selfish me.....

So I am reading http://worldofwinks.wordpress.com/ post today and it hits me that I know my mom wants us to be pregnant and she is super supportive and all that but I have never asked her how it affects her. I don't know how it makes her sad for herself... I need to ask her this. How incredibly selfish of me to keep thinking IF is only affecting me and Jamie.

1st Adoption Info Session

So we went to the first info session last night (I am sure we will go to several more) It was very informative and I learned alot. I really liked the agency, they seemed to care. Some of the other agencies seem so flashy and like they are just out to make money but this one didn't feel like that. The weird part was how my feelings were, it kind of surprised me. I was sitting there looking around and everyone seemed so much older than us (I'm 34 and Jamie is 30) they were probably only in their later 30's, early 40's but I still envision myself in late 20's early 30's but that is a whole different issue. Anyways, I was looking around and it started to hit me kind of like a panic. I don't belong here, I was supposed to be pregnant a year ago, this shouldn't be happening. I always wanted to adopt but I wanted it on my terms, an older child after we had 3 of our own. I didn't want to adopt because we have to to make a family. It's just not fair that I am sitting here right now with all these people. I then started REALLY looking at them, and most of them looked so normal. Then I started thinking about how they didn't belong there either. What's wrong with them? I know I felt alot of this the first time I went to an RE's office but this was a little worse and a little harder. The session started and I got into the listening and learning part and got out of my self pity mode.

The main things I learned were:
- The home study is done by each agency in their own way and is only good for that agency (I thought it was more like a state thing and transferrable) You can transfer the home study but the new agency will charge you to update it and make it their own.
- You can legally only be with one agency at a time. When you get put on "the list" you are associated with one agency. If you switch agencies, you have to withdraw from it and sign paperwork with the new one giving them permission to get all of your info from the first one. They said it is so that bad people don't get found out by one agency and just go start at another hoping to hide their bad info.
- If the birthmom signs the relinquishment when she is released from the hospital then it is good within 24 hours. The idea that a birthmom can come back in 6 months and claim their baby is pretty much a myth. Except a really unusual circumstance, the baby is yours in 24 hours. WOW.

Most of the other stuff they talked about I knew or knew a little and they expanded on. It was still very interesting and clarified alot. They then had a family come in that adopted 8 months ago and they told their story. It was wonderful to hear. This also made it much more real for me. In a good way and bad... that could be us in 18 months... also.. that could be us holding an adopted baby instead of a bio baby in 18 months.

I truly believe that I will be as happy with an adopted baby and that child will be ours just as if we gave birth so I am not quite sure why I am having these feelings of being sad about it. I don't think these feelings will last long, I think it was just seeing it in black and white that threw me a little.

Anyways, conclusion is that it was a very good experience.

Oops! I didn't add anything about Jamie's reaction! SO I am editing this in later. Jamie was wonderful. I asked him how it felt and he said he was excited. He learned alot and liked the agency. I asked him if it bothered him to not have a bio child and he said not. The father that spoke said he sometimes forgets their daughter is adopted and Jamie said he imagined that would be true. He said, we have the cat and all the critters we feed and I love them, I imagine a human baby would be 100 times easier to love! I did start crying at one point and told him my thoughts from above and he was wonderful about that and let me cry and talk and he just listened and never told me to relax. YAY for Jamie, the best husband ever. :)

Going to an adoption information session tonight!

I just posted this on my public (family, friends, etc read it) blog: Thinking of the future and decisions we may need to make has led us to getting more information on adoption. We are going to an informational session at an adoption agency tonight. It seems most adoption agencies do these to answer questions, explain the process and discuss the fees. We're looking forward to this just so that we can be more informed. We are still going forward with our medical options and will be through the summer but we want to be ready just in case. I am not sure what your views on adoption are (or even infertility treatments) but I hope you will all continue to pray for us during this time as we try to start a family. Thank you for your kind words and support. I will continue to keep you updated but feel free to ask Jamie and me questions anytime!

I struggle a bit with how much to tell people. I have been pretty honest about the basics and just keep the details to myself (no one needs to know how often I spread my legs for dildo camera!) My mom, cousin and a couple of friends ask me regularly how things are going and really listen when I tell them. Most of my friends don't even bring it up. I want to say that is ok, they might be uncomfortable with the subject or they don't agree with medical treatments or they just don't like kids... but sometimes I get a bit hurt about it just because it is such a big part of my life. So this is kind of my way of taking control of the situation a little bit. It's up to them to read my blog, if they do then they will find stuff like this out and then I feel like I have told them. If they don't well then oh well. I don't think how I wrote that makes sense but it does to me.. hmm.. babble babble..

Anyways, so I wrote that on the blog and Jamie called and asked what I was doing and I told him and read it to him and his response was "You are such a good writer, you get to the point." I LOVE that he is open with telling people whatever I am comfortable telling them. He really is wonderful and supportive, couldn't ask for a better guy to go through this crappy infertility stuff with (or anything bad for that matter!)

But hey! The point is that we are going to an adoption information session tonight!
I am really looking forward to it. I hope that the mysteries of adoption become a little clearer and less scary. We still have 3 more IUIs to go and if I get cysts after each one, that's another 5 months.. but that means September... that's not that far away. I need this, I need the backup plan. I need to know that I will have a baby in our house in 2008. I believe it will happen and quite frankly, I don't care how, I don't care if it comes out of me or someone else. That will be our child no matter what. To me it's a difference in cost. We will save $20-30k by getting pregnant. That just means that we have more savings but I am ok with spending the savings and thankfully, Jamie is too. OK done babbling now...

Orangie and my herbs

So here is a picture of the cat that came with our house... that's a long story. Anyways she is now our cat and a very strange one at that. Yesterday I picked up some herbs from my acupuncturist and I am to make tea with them 3 times a day so last night I settle down on the couch with my cup of herbal tea. It is kind of stinky but not as bad as I thought. It was a bit too hot so I put it on the side table and Orangie came over and settled down on my lap. A few minutes later I grab the mug and go to drink from it. Her head pops up and she glares at the mug and then takes a swipe at it! She has never done that before! She stood up and smelled at it and then swiped it again! I set the cup back down on the table and she bites my tummy! WTH??? Crazy cat. I tried to pet her but I was laughing and she looked like she might bite my hand so I let her be. She ran off and was acting very strange the rest of the night. I told my mom about it this morning and she thinks the cat was trying to tell me not to put that stuff in my tummy! So who should I believe the acupuncturist or the cat?

Just declined my first baby shower..

I just sent an email saying that we have a family commitment that day. The commitment is to myself. I just can't go. It's strange because I have another baby shower the day after and I am excited about that one. Here's the difference:
Shower #1 - I know the husband more than the wife and even then, I hardly know him. They got married about 6 months after us and are older than us. They are having twin girls. I am INTENSELY jealous.
Shower #2 - They were pregnant before I met her. I have no reason to compare myself or our situation with them. I am not jealous, I'm excited!

I have no idea why the 2 showers are soooo different in my mind but the fact is that they are and I just declined one of them. I guess I am one of "those" ttc people that can't handle it.... but then why do I have no issues with the 2nd shower? It confuses me too... argh.

hmmm

nothing much to say.... just waiting... wondering how long it will be until my next cycle.... trying soooooo hard not to think about IT but how do you stop? On the TTTC board someone asked the question about what people are looking forward to most about the actual pregnancy. Someone responded... not having to worry about getting pregnant anymore. This made me smile and probably would have been my answer too!

WOW, adoption is expensive

I knew it would cost in the $20k - $30k range but what I didn't realize is how much you pay before you are even matched up with a baby! It seems like the agencies want you to pay about $10k just to get started! If that is true then I don't know how people can say that they have several agencies looking for them? I obviously have a lot of work to do and find out much more...

This cycle is weird... I am really calm about it and I guess that is what we were aiming for when we decided not to chart and stuff. I'm even having a glass of wine at night and not thinking too much. It's really kind of nice. I will be a bit sad this weekend knowing that I should have been having my IUI's! I think the main reason it bothers me right now is that the longer it takes to do the IUI's then the longer it will be for us to start the adoption process. I just dont think the IUI's will work and so the idea of waiting is hard. There we are back to the patience thing again.... when will I ever learn patience?

Wow, just wow....

So if you aren't already reading katd's blog http://theygrowinyourheart.blogspot.com/ well then you need to start now. It is such an inspirational blog. It puts it all in perspective for me. I have been so focused on not getting pregnant and running out of time due to my age. I needed this to step back... Jamie and I want to adopt someday. I am so incredibly fortunate to have a husband that is open to this. It's not a matter of getting pregnant... the big picture is having a baby. Someone else just might be giving birth to my son or daughter someday. I am so happy for katd and so jealous at the same time. It helps me realize that I don't need to carry a baby, I just need to carry one in my arms, how it gets there is not that big of a deal. So that brings me back to problem #1 that I have struggled with my entire life... PATIENCE. Where can I buy me some of that?

Just too cute not to post...

And for a little break from the IF stuff....


I put up this dish this weekend to put nuts in for the BlueJays I feed (to help keep them out of range of our cat!) Well it looks like this squirrel figured out how to climb up the pole! Too cute!!!

WOW... time flies

I just wrote up the side bar on our IF journey so far. It seems like we have done so much, like it's been so long. But then I read other peoples journeys and they last years... that is year with an s at the end. I have to keep this in perspective. IT HAS ONLY BEEN ONE YEAR! Some people don't even go to an RE before one year. Why then do I feel like time is running out? Why is adoption all I can think of? Why do I look at this month as a wasted month when in reality it is a month where I can make love to my husband instead of going through the motions based on a plastic stick with pee on it? I don't have to pee on anything. I don't have to spread my legs for a doctor to stick a wand up me. I don't have to inject drugs into my system. I should be looking at this month as a relaxing month. Why is it so hard to do that? In the grand scheme of things it's only 30 days... Whew. Do you ever have to stop and just tell yourself to breathe? I called up my best friend and said "I need a Burke Williams Spa day!" She didn't hesitate, she only asked when. That is support that cannot be compared. We're going on the 15th! OK, something to look forward to. I will be halfway through this cycle (God-willing, I have heard some people say their break cycles took even longer than regular cycles!) I should only have 2 weeks left after that... I know I sound negative and like I am bitching a bit but every now and then you have to or what's the point of the blog? I will be back to my normal, perky, optimistic self tomorrow... maybe even today after lunch.

OK, here is one little thing that makes me smile. I wish all of you had the pleasure of knowing my grandmother. All of my friends say that if they could choose a grandma, they would choose her. She is fantastic and one of the best people I know. When I told her about the cysts and the rest period well her response didn't surprise me one bit. "YAY!!!! You get to have a whole month of FUN SEX!!!!!" "No drugs or timing just fun, that sounds wonderful and I bet that will get you pregnant!" Then crept in the realization that grandma knows that I have sex. (Hope this made you smile... now go about your day in happiness... heck it even made me smile all over again.)